Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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