You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
