Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
