There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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