I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
