You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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