those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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