I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
