It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
