Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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