do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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