How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
