Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
