I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize