I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
