No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
