Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
