Your dad touched me again.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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