Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
