I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
