Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
