I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
