You smell like stripper and shame
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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