I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
