The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
