walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
