never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize