so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
In America we eat man semen.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
