You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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