i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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