Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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