just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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