That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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