saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We were destined to go to rehab together
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
