3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
