Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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