HIV tests are more positive than that guy
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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