it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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