i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It's rum buckets o'clock
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
