Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
should my penis look like a turkey
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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