this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize