i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
