i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Randomize
