If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
