Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
