i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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