i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
