Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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