Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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