I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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