Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
