Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
