Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Randomize
