and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
should my penis look like a turkey
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
