what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize