Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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