you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
