I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize