just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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